“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
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My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.