@Dis0beyJay

Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once

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@robdelaney

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

@TheWoodenslurpy

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

@YoungNobler

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

@leakypod

Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes

@MooseAllain

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

@bonehugsnirony

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

@Brampersandon_

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

@QwertyJones3

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

@myvisable

If a woman is bad at parking it’s because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.