Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
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God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
marvel comics have peaked
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
That time Alicia messaged me
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
WTF IS THAT!