“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once
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Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him
[goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.
You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?