Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once

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[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”


Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us


[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack


[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him
[goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer


[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”


If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.


My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.


You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”


Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.


Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?