people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
You Might Also Like
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
twitter is a journey
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer