Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.