@TheBoydP

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

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@AristotlesNZ

Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?

@13spencer

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

@protolalia

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

@Parentpains

Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.

@brianbowman73

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

@InternetHippo

[after watching 1 episode of a show where i paid attention roughly 10% of the time] This show sucks I don’t understand what’s happening at all

@JennMGreenberg

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

@Jaden76

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates