Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

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Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?


I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”


“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.


Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.


I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”


[after watching 1 episode of a show where i paid attention roughly 10% of the time] This show sucks I don’t understand what’s happening at all


“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.


A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.


[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates