HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
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The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.