My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn’t use a private email server.
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Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
*dog tackles me from behind*
harry potter, age 11: why do you hate weasleys so much? they seem nice
draco malfoy: they are blood traitors. i bet they use toilets too
harry potter: i- [voice cracking] what
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!
Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper