@mattyglesias

Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn’t use a private email server.

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@BastardProphet

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

@SocialustGal13

Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?

@McGrumpenstein

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

@Darchstar078

Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.

@AnnaDoesntWant2

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

@SirEvisiae

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

@C0REZI

harry potter, age 11: why do you hate weasleys so much? they seem nice

draco malfoy: they are blood traitors. i bet they use toilets too

harry potter: i- [voice cracking] what

@kelllicopter

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

@thebeckyard

Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!

@deloisivete

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper