Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn’t use a private email server.

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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.


Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?


by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance


Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.


If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade


*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
*dog tackles me from behind*


harry potter, age 11: why do you hate weasleys so much? they seem nice

draco malfoy: they are blood traitors. i bet they use toilets too

harry potter: i- [voice cracking] what


when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok


Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!


Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper