@SirEviscerate

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

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@FloodyHippie

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

@mcs212

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

@LizerReal

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

@xLiserx

Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.

@OakHill_

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

@Kyle_Lippert

If you love something, let it go. Let it run until it reaches the invisible wall & the shock collar you attached to it’s ankle cripples them

@KeetPotato

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

@Fred_Delicious

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

@jonnysun

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS