Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
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the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND