say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.