@Bob_Janke

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

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@sploosk

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

@SoVeryBritish

Responding as if you’ve just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you’re still in bed

@Home_Halfway

WINNIE THE POOH: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton

@Book_Krazy

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

@Gupton68

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

@MyMomologue

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

@spiritusloquens

My fortune cookie:

“Like a hair on a bar of soap, you’re likely harmless, but regarded as disgusting and nobody likes you…”

@JohnFugelsang

Somewhere in Heaven…
Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me.
Jesus: You don’t say.