say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

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Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.


Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.


I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.


It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.


I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”


Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.


DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team

ME: No I’m not

DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?


Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.