@Bob_Janke

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

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@Home_Halfway

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

@AdderallMomma

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@LittleMissLizz

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

@MomofTeen

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

@KentWGraham

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

@Birdhumms

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

@thenatewolf

DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team

ME: No I’m not

DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?

@manwhohasitall

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.