Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.

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It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”


BIDEN: I’mma punch him when he comes here.
OBAMA: No, Joe. Don’t do that.
BIDEN: Punch him round the back.
BIDEN: Kick, then.


Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels


I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call


On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?


freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid


Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it


My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.