Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
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*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
A game married people play.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.