Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
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The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I ate everything, including the H.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485