[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
saying “eat the rich”
-makes people think you’re a cannibal
saying “ok boomer”
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
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My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Even Al Qaeda is like “These ISIS guys are a bit much no?”
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger…Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don’t like.
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…