saying “eat the rich”

-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

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[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number


My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.


CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh



Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not


[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face


Even Al Qaeda is like “These ISIS guys are a bit much no?”


Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger…Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don’t like.



The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.