Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
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Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
is this store having a stroke wtf
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay