Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Once bitten, twice shy.
Except if you were bitten by a shark. Then you might be dead, and shyness won’t be an issue.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*
I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?