@CaucasianJames

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

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@mindflakes

People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

@ArfMeasures

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

@Ygrene

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

@markydoodoo

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

@TheHyyyype

my wife bought a soap dispenser that says “pump” on the side, which is good. without instructions, i was going to smash it against the floor to try to get the soap out

@david8hughes

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

@YourMomsucksTho

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

@MrGirlDad

My 3-year-old just said she hates me, but to be fair I DID cut her sandwich incorrectly.

@leshnevsky

Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn’t need a food anymore.