People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
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ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
MORMON ELECTION GAME: Every time Romney becomes president, drink.
my wife bought a soap dispenser that says “pump” on the side, which is good. without instructions, i was going to smash it against the floor to try to get the soap out
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Me: release half of one hostage
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My 3-year-old just said she hates me, but to be fair I DID cut her sandwich incorrectly.
Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn’t need a food anymore.