@CaucasianJames

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

You Might Also Like

@SortaBad

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

@laurajennyjo

*knock knock*

Go away I’m not home

“I can hear you”

I can hear you too..go away

“I brought food”

What kind of food

@thepunningman

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

@bourgeoisalien

serious thanksgiving question: when a family member’s telling a tragic story and everyone’s crying, how long should i wait before taking a bite of my pie?

@Brianhopecomedy

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

@salamingia

Hi, is your resort child friendly?

Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?

*hangs up