Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
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A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Go away I’m not home
“I can hear you”
I can hear you too..go away
“I brought food”
What kind of food
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
serious thanksgiving question: when a family member’s telling a tragic story and everyone’s crying, how long should i wait before taking a bite of my pie?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Hi, is your resort child friendly?
Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?