saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
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“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“no gods no masters” = leo
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.