Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
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me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING