Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologize to every single person I’ve ever talked to.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
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You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!
-Me to my scale as I step off of it
Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
8: teach me karate
[flashback to us nearly burning the house down trying to bake a cake together]
Me: first things first, we need a sword
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
me: dropbear gobstoppers
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.