Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me recordaron éste meme
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
this is literally a CIA plant
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.