Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
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I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes