@Sarcasticsapien

Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.

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@Darlainky

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

@slimmy_shady

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

@Ochie2S

Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting

@FloodyHippie

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

@LeahsLounge

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

@Fickle_Filly

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

@Douchekevin

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

@Storminika

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

@Phil_Pagett

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

@thcmoonmvn

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.