Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.

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I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.


23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List


Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting


You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.


Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”


A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.


A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.


Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.


A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.


Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.