John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
You Might Also Like
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.