I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.
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Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.
And you’ve got two faces.
A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.