Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
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Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Boom, boom, ching!
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that