@TheSharona06

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

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@Philosopherbing

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming

@timdonakowski

Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.

Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!

[Days later]

Me: Oh wait. Shit.

@bornmiserable

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

@CraigChamberlin

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@GringoBrulee

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

@Fickle_Filly

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

@decentbirthday

Isn’t it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me

@Headkutter

How to scare burglars off….

First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.