Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
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if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming
Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.
Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!
Me: Oh wait. Shit.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Isn’t it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me
How to scare burglars off….
First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.