Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
You Might Also Like
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
when dads have a rap battle
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
this has done me in for some reason
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.