Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.