saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My dog learned how to text
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.