Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
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My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs