Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
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[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)