Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*