Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

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It’s embarrassing when you offer a bus seat to a pregnant woman but she’s not a pregnant woman, he’s your boss and you’re stoned at work.


it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman


Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?


me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running


How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?


My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.


Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.


Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.


This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.