@skickwriter

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

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@drhappyknuckles

It’s embarrassing when you offer a bus seat to a pregnant woman but she’s not a pregnant woman, he’s your boss and you’re stoned at work.

@evaandheriud

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

@GrantTanaka

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

@3sunzzz

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

@OneFunnyMummy

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

@GuyAdvisor

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

@VerbsRProudest

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

@YoungNobler

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.