Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I saw nothing
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.