saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
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Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Made something I’m not proud of
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer