@sarahlostctrl

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

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@KeetPotato

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

@0000seapea808

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

@TheWoodenslurpy

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

@Ivsy01

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

@maymay72x

Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…

Just saying.

@ChribHibble

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

@ComicsHey

[rap battle]

mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that

oompa loompa: [deep breath]