saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-culturally poignant

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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”


It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away


Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.


Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.


Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…

Just saying.


The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.


Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.


[rap battle]

mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that

oompa loompa: [deep breath]