wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
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It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that
oompa loompa: [deep breath]