@say_shannon

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

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@Mr_Kapowski

My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I’m staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.

@Reverend_Scott

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

@Mikecanrant

*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*

There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.

@mamatomy3

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

@david8hughes

Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.

@Vodkantots

What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”

@lawking30

I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.

@FatherWithTwins

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@lasergirl70

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”