[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.