[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.