*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
You Might Also Like
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Never forget.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My safe word is Worcestershire
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone