Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!
911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
That ends your training. You’re now a GameStop employee. Any questions?
“What do I do if a girl comes in”
Err *boss scrambles thru manual*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom