Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.


911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!

911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.


INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.


tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead


Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.


*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?


Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.


That ends your training. You’re now a GameStop employee. Any questions?

“What do I do if a girl comes in”

Err *boss scrambles thru manual*


“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”


[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom