Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong