A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
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[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.