Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.