scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
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Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
No Google it does not
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
We’ve all been there…
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.