As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
May never get over this
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!