When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Scars make a man handsome? Bathe your cat every day and you’ll become the sexiest man in the city very soon!
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I got a job today so I guess I’ll finally be getting paid to tweet.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
I normally stay out of political talk on social media, but this is TOO FUNNY! #TacoTrucksOnEveryCorner
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
*puts on layers of running gear*
*makes a ponytail*
*laces up sneakers*
*drives to McDonalds*
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.