Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My love language is deader than Latin
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear