SCARY COSTUME
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.