Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.