Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

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My friends car got stolen and was handed back littered with evidence of drugs.

Great, now a car is having a more interesting life than I.


Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful


why does everyone keep saying “i feel sorry for your wife” to me? WHY!?!?!


ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school


ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th


The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)


Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.


Once a baby dragon flew out in front of my car and I screamed. Turned out it was just a pheasant.
I have lots of good stories like this.


Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.