Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
You are not alone 💚
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Stop.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.