[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
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Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.