[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…