@Scottcrates

Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane

A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…

A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.

Do I set myself on fire?

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@PaperWash

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

@TheCatWhisprer

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

@Spiritsoko

Cat knocks over coffee

Me….
Cat….
Me…
Cat….
Me: well?
Cat….
Me….
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
Jumps down

@seanscrap

Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.

@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

@R_2_PEE_2

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

@ariscott

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”