Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane
A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…
A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.
Do I set myself on fire?
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What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
If cats could talk, they’d probably yell “PARKOUR” a lot.
Goodnight wifi connected devices
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Cat knocks over coffee
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”