JASON: Oh good, this saves me some time.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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How do I know ur not a cop?
“If I was a cop would I do this?”
*Starts break dancing*
That’s not as much proof as you think it is
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn’t have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn’t make so much god damn noise!
When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?