Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.