Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

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All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

– The Mamas and the Papas

All the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey

– Dogs


My superpower is knocking down the same conditioner every time i shower.


My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling


Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…


Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!


I just really hate it when people start assuming things.nnnJust like my boss he assumes that I’m working just because I came to work today.


If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.


ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS


My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.