@gobmentcheese

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

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@turbolazers

All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

– The Mamas and the Papas

All the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey

– Dogs

@waitfortheQ

My superpower is knocking down the same conditioner every time i shower.

@KonaSlater

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

@SouthrnPinUpMom

Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…

@sarcasticmommy4

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

@Zoozich

I just really hate it when people start assuming things.nnnJust like my boss he assumes that I’m working just because I came to work today.

@TheSomeGuyShow

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

@bornmiserable

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

@evofck

My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.