Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The first matador
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.