[schmoozing at fancy dinner]
me: im a private investigator
wife: you’re allowed to say gynaecologist, keith
me: people are eating, linda

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*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”


Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!


People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements


I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.


There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.


Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.


Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry


Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present


Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.