once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
That eye roll….
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Love this one 😂🧟
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Pat is about to own someone
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too