School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t