school: late

dentist: late

wedding: late

give birth: late

concert: 7 hours early

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Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?




H: …you look great


MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats


doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air


She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.


*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.


I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt


Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don’t even call back people I know.