Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
H: …you look great
give birth: late
concert: 7 hours early
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MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don’t even call back people I know.