Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
How do dragons blow out candles?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”