Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
You Might Also Like
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!