[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.